The Best of 2012

Vending Machine Gross Item of the Week Awards  

The Best of 2012

 As 2012 draws to a close, we pause to reflect on all the gross love dispatched to us from our friends and colleagues in Warren, Ohio and take a moment to honor the top 10 grossest items bestowed to us this year.

These are items that even Santa himself would say “Ho Ho NO!”

 For all the tidings of comfort and joy brought to us by our happy vending machines, I give you the very best of 2012…

 10. Salisbury Steak in and of itself is a questionable thing.  It’s not really a burger and it’s not really a steak.  No matter how you look at it, this number 10 place holder on our list for 2012 just kind of left us a little confused and a touch grossed out.  Tums were on stand-by, just in case!

 salisbury

 9. This recent addition to the awards comes to us at number 9.  The Cheesy Joe just left you shaking your head and wondering “aren’t they taking this “we can provide any kind of food in a vending machine environment” just a little too far?  Me thinks perhaps…

 joe

8. Bringing its grey meat all the way to number 8 on the count-down was the All-American Submarine.  This patriotic palate pleaser didn’t really leave us feeling very patriotic at all.  In fact, defection became a legitimate option with this sandwich.  How do you make grey meat??  It just gives you the chills!

amer

 7. Kielbasa and Kraut earns its place at number 7 on our list.  Sadly, this was before our site was so high-tech that pictures were included, but use your imagination.  Our friends in Poland never intended this dish to be vending machine fodder, but alas, someone thought it was a good idea to seal it in cellophane and send it our way.  Maybe they like us, maybe not.  We’ll never know for sure!  Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

 kraut

 6. With us from the beginning was always Hot Wings with Blue Cheese Dressing.  Wings… in a vending machine.  ‘nuff said.

 Hot Wings

 5. Waiting for us at number 5 is the effervescent Chili Dog.  Not the first dog to make this year’s list (spoiler alert) but certainly it stands on its own merits.  This dog, vomitus in appearance, just really made our stomachs roll and reconsider just skipping lunch all together.  It just looked gross people!

 Chili Dog

 4. Egg Salad Sandwedge takes the number 4 spot this year.  They had us at “eggs” and with the added risk of a flatulent episode, it is just appropriate for this little gem to make a visit to our list.

 eggs

 3. Spicy Cajun Fish on a Sesame Seed Bun makes its stop at number 3 on our count down.  This sandwich swam its way to our list during lent and if you ate it, the taste is probably still in your mouth.  Fish is a vending machine is just suspect at best and the fact that it didn’t expire until after the Mayan calendar ended is probably a bad sign.

 Spicy Cajun Fish

 2. Coming in at number 2 this year was the Coney Island Hot Dog.  This dog just made the bile rise to the back of your throat.  With a topping of chili, onions, mustard and cheese, this dog just looked like something left on the carpet by the dog!  Yuck!

 Coney Island Hot Dog

 By far THE MOST popular item to have received the award this year was the Quarter Pound Hot Dog.  This concoction of engorged beefy dog had jaws dropping and eyes popping and even a few of the more delicate ladies fanning themselves!  It was a hot time in the old vending machine of ill-repute and everyone was feeling just a little inferior.  It was cocky!  It was voluptuous and it’s takes first prize for 2012!!  Quarter Pound Hot Dog, we salute you!!

 dog

    Special Extra Features:

* Thanks to our correspondent in the field, JK, we have received word of vending machines that actually sell caviar!  See the article here: http://www.refinery29.com/caviar-vending-machine

* This year was definitely the year of the chicken as a great many of our items came from (in one way or another) the chicken.  For 2012, we give special recognition to that crazy bird who just gives and gives and gives!

* A shout out to the Brewmeister who was there for us in times of ale or stout.  We tip a cold frosty one to you sir (or madam)!

* And finally, a big thanks to all our friends and readers of the blog!  We appreciate your support and hope that, if nothing else, our list has brought a little merriment and cheer your way!  Please enjoy the holiday season, have a safe and happy new year and we’ll see you in 2013 with (hopefully) a whole new list of items that just make you stand up and say “What the heck?!”  Peace!

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Chipped Ham and Cheese Revisited

Vending Machine Gross Item of the Week Awards

A close second to the benevolent chicken, our friend the pig has a solid foot-hold (or hoof-hold) on the number two spot of vending machine culinary greatness.  This week our friendly little piggy is here to bring us good tidings and cheer by sharing its delightful bounty, wrapped in cellophane and refrigerated in the box of holiday greetings and merriment!  For our first official December winner, I give you…

 Chipped Ham and Cheese

 ham 1

 Nothin’ says good finger lickin’ eatin’ better than chipped ham and cheese on white bread.  Just feel the bile rising to the back of your throat as you unwrap this tasty bit of goodness!  And really, what is chipped ham?  Did the pig “know too much” and get fed into the wood chipper?  It does make one wonder!  Conspiracy theories abound!!

 Tis also the season to eat fatty foods and lots of sugary treats!  That being said, I would be remiss if I didn’t give our petite porky entree a tasty little friend to bring for dessert.  Warren, Ohio recognizes this and has once again stepped up to the plate with this holiday favorite: Buckeyes!  For those of you who may be unfamiliar with Buckeyes, they are little balls of peanut butter love enrobed in chocolate.  The best of both worlds combined into one blissful little sphere for your holiday enjoyment.  Good times and great tidings!  Buckeyes for all!

ham 2

Wine Pairing: Our piggy will be most happy with this week’s wine.  A Bleasdale Red Brute Sparkling Shiraz, with its berry, fruity flavors, is just the right touch to pair with chipped ham (said no sommelier ever.)  This nice, light and sweet shiraz is just the right blend for pork, accenting our sandwich with all its chippiness!

Beer Pairing: When I think beer and pig, I think Franziskaner Weissbier (well, ok, not really…)  This wheaty malt has clove-like flavors that have just the right blend for our ham.  Cloves and ham – now THAT’S good eatin’!

So as we inch ever closer to Christmas and the close of 2012, let us take a moment to savor the culinary banquet given to us in vending machine form.  Tis the season to indulge in cold treats from our icy box of holiday cheer and enjoy the company of those willing victims we chose to take with us as we venture to the box to anticipate the next big thing in vending greatness!